Sam repents to Chuck
by rachaelphilip
Summary: Set in 11x21 "All in the family" Sam feels guilty for everything he has done when he meets God Himself, Chuck. After Dean leaves them alone, Sam repents in a very emotional way to Chuck Oneshot - R&R please


Sam had been both very excited and nervous when he and Dean discovered Chuck was God and they finally had a chance to talk with Him properly.

Dean had started to cry, deeply saddened with all the crap on Earth, and maybe homing in on his feelings about their dad, John Winchester.

It was very easy to blame God for bad things, but Sam knew that some bad things just couldn't be blamed on anyone else but himself...like the time he had become addicted to demon blood.

While pumped up on the demon drug, he had been powerful and enjoyed it. He had liked the feeling of being strong and feared.

But it has also corrupted him - he had very nearly allowed it to turn him evil, but thanks to Dean and Bobby, had been detoxed from it.

A few years later, when famine appeared, Sam grew hungry for the blood again and its hold on him grew too strong.

He had succumed and drank his fill, before taking on famine.

The horseman had laughed, saying his powers were useless against him;

That was true, but it didn't stop Sam from exorcising the demons that famine had fed on - with nothing inside him, he had crumbled into ashes, never to be seen or feared again.

Sure - that had been a good thing, but Sam knew that the bad far outweighed the good, and was grateful to Dean and Castiel, who detoxed him again.

He thought back to when he thought Chuck was a psychic - he had went to his house, asking him whether he knew of the demon blood addiction and why he had not told Dean.

Chuck had answered that he thought it would make Sam look unsympathetic.

This had angered Sam, but Chuck seemed to be trying to soothing him.

"Yeah Sam, I mean come on - sucking blood! You gotta know that's wrong?" Chuck had asked.

Sam looked down, upset.

He was right - so he had calmed himself and sat down, opening up to his new found confidant.

"I wish to God I could stop it..." he had confessed.

"But you keep going back..." Chuck had pointed out gently.

Sam snapped back to reality, heart hammering.

He felt far more emotional now he knew he had actually been talking with God.

He thought back to just a few weeks ago.

Wracked with the guilt of responsibility of letting Amara loose, he had gone to a chapel and prayed, begging God for help and a sign.

When he left, he had had a vision of himself being tortured.

He hadn't understood at first, but the reaper Billie had told him he was unclean, in the biblical sense.

He had burned himself with holy fire, cleansing himself of an infection caused by Amara, and assumingly, his sins.

Yet, his guilt had never been removed...Sam realised that though he was clean in the biblical sense, he had never actually asked God to forgive him or help him stay clean...or even to help him forgive himself.

With this realisation, Sam looked up at Chuck, who was just telling Dean not to confuse Him with his dad.

This made Dean look awkward but after a few moments of silence, the oldest brother realised Chuck was right and had looked down.

"Sorry." he had muttered respectfully.

Sam heart began hammering and he gulped.

"Er...who wants...a coffee?" Dean asked randomly, trying his hardest to normalise the situation.

Chuck had smiled, accepting the offer.

"Sam?" Dean asked.

"Uh yeah thanks..." Sam nodded, accutely aware that it would leave him quite alone with God.

Dean had nodded, and left.

Sam gulped nervously and slowly breathed out to calm himself, before looking back at Chuck, who was watching him gently and expectantly.

"So...er...are you angry?" Sam asked, startled with himself immediately that he had asked such a thing.

Chuck smiled.

"No - most of the time you did something wrong it was for good intentions, and I always take that into consideration when judging anyone." He replied.

Sam couldn't help but sigh, a little releived...but it didn't stop him from feeling guilty.

He cleared his throat.

"It er - feels sorta weird knowing now who you really are...especially after the talk we had a long time ago..."

"Ah yes, about the demon blood?"

The question made Sam feel cold - he knew Chuck knew everything of course, and it was the conversation he had been refering to, but it still made him feel sort of awkward and frightened that God Himself actually came out with it.

He looked up again shyly.

Chuck caught his eye, and Sam saw that He was filled with sympathy and love, not hate or anger.

It filled him with emotion and it took a few moments to calm himself.

"Do...do you remember a few weeks ago when I got infected by Amara? Billie had said I was unclean - in the biblical sense?" Sam asked - he knew God knew, but he needed to say it in a conversation like manner, and Chuck knew this as well.

"I remember." He nodded.

"I...well, I burned myself with holy fire...did that actually work?"

"You know it did - you were healed from Amara's infection."

Sam paused for a moment...it wasn't what he had meant, and realised Chuck wanted him to say it directly.

To confirm this, Sam looked back up (he kept looking down from both nerves and respect) and saw Chuck was listening intently, but with a tenderness.

Sam breathed out - he knew he needed this to be a religious experience, not just a friendly one.

"I know you just said you prefered to be called Chuck...but would you mind very much if I just adressed you as God? Even just for this talk?" he asked almost childlike.

Chuck was mature and gentle - he knew what Sam needed and was more than willing to help him get there.

"Yes, you may certainly." He nodded.

Sam breathed out again, feeling highley emotional.

"Look...uh...you know everything, literally...so you know what I'm thinking and feeling now - and you know what I want to ask...but this is very hard. A lot harder than it looks in the movies. But then I guess you've literally been through this sorta talk literally millions of times..."

Chuck couldn't help but laugh at that, startling Sam.

"Yeah, you could say that!" He nodded, not even trying to count the huge number. But then He calmed, knowing how Sam was feeling, and knowing what he needed to do.

"Go ahead son - ask me." He prodded gently, silently noting that Sam was now shaking quite a bit. He also noted that Dean was walking back with the coffee, so discreetly froze time so that Sam had as much as he needed.

Sam gulped, looking at the floor again to try and ease himself.

"I-er...I have done a lot of bad things God...like really bad. I wanted to know if the holy fire had made me clean in the sense of the sins, not the infecion." he stated shakily.

Chuck nodded, knowing this.

"Yes it did." He answered gently.

Sam sighed out, then after several silent moments, looked back up at The Lord of all.

"I still feel guilty." he practically whispered.

Chuck nodded slowly, thinking of what to say.

"Well - when a human does something wrong, I made it so they would feel guilt - that way, you would always know the difference between right and wrong, see? But back when I first created man, I fell in love straight away. I wanted a special connection. So, I gave myself the right to be Lord, because I reasoned, I am the Father of all and created you. I wanted man to love me and respect me in the proper way - so I wanted man to feel sorry not only for the sin, but for hurting me in the process. So, the guilt will never truly leave until you have reconnected with me on a spiritual level. You need to reconcile with me to be truly, truly clean again. See, the holy fire did indeed clean you of both your infection and your sins, and if you were to died that night...for good that time...I would have put you in Heaven...but I wouldn't have met with you until you reconciled with me. Because on a deeply spiritual level, I want you to love and respect me...so I want you to tell ME that you are sorry for what you have done."

Sam had been listening and was filled with shame and regret. He also sort of felt sick in the pit of his stomach.

The tears finally came and Sam gently put his head in his hands.

"I am...sorry, I mean. I always believed in you, even when dad and Dean didn't - but because of all the things I have done wrong, I was afraid to be close to you and speak to you. Afraid to reconnect because I was ashamed. But now you're here, I cannot hide anymore, and honestly? I don't want to. Please...please can you forgive me? For the demon blood addiction? The brutality I showed when I was pumped up? For hiding? For freeing Amara?" he whimpered.

Chuck swallowed, and very, very tenderly placed his hand on Sam's nape.

"Yes. I do forgive you. Now, I want you to forgive yourself. You have done a lot of good things too, Sam, and I have noticed." He answered soothingly.

Sam sniffed, wiping his tears and looking back up into God's eyes.

"Will you help me?" the broken man whispered.

Chuck nodded.

"Yes. I love you Sam, more than you can ever imagine, and I want you to feel that. I want you to feel clean."

Sam broke down then and sobbed, unconsciously leaning into Chuck, who accepted him and folded His arms around him, stroking his back.

"It's alright Sam, I'm here." Chuck whispered.

After a few moments of complete emotional release, Sam was at last calmed and slowly leaned back so he was sitting, rubbing his eyes.

Chuck smiled, happy that Sam had done what he needed to do.

"Well...we've got things to do - another apocalypse and all that..." Sam managed to laugh, though still a tad shaky.

Chuck grinned, agreeing, discreetely unfreezing time.

With that, Dean came through the door with the coffee, and they decided to go to the main room to discuss the plan to defeat Amara.


End file.
